There’s no freebies on the520.

 So, the summer sun has already returned. Look at those beautiful blue skies! You know what sounds great? Let’s all run home from work early! But, wait. Something happened. You’ve all lost your damn mind. Again. What is it with you people? Are you new? Here we are — on the dreaded ride home. We’ve all got lawns to mow, cars to wash and beers to consume, but you f’idiots have come to complete dead stop. What is it that could be waiting ahead? Do you think they are giving away free snacks to all the commuters today? Maybe chocolate cupcakes? Gosh, I hope there’s some left by the time I get up there.

We’ve moved 4 inches in the last week. I’m now considering setting up camp next to this guard rail. Seems like a nice spot. Even a few weeds are embedded in the concrete to give it that park-like feel. I should have set my OOF before I left. My inbox has surely exploded. It seems like a good time to take up smoking.

 

We’ve now traveled 1.2 miles in the last month. I’m sure the cat has run away from home. And the house has been foreclosed. Now all I have is this lane divider button I have claimed as my very own. All hope is lost that we’ll ever leave this road. We’re obviously all going to grow old and die right here in the car.

Time to increase the dosage.

Hey dude, we noticed that your car is full of shit. And it isn’t your worldly possessions. It’s your OCD acting up. We can all see your bucket of KFC chicken bones, 42 issues of The Stranger, dozens of parking tickets, Kleenex in various states of usage, Buick fan mail, toenail clippings, kitty litter, hundreds of soy sauce and ketchup packets and your quickly fading sense of self-control. Do us all a favour, call the doctor and have him adjust your meds. You need a stronger prescription because we can’t risk you going all nut-balls on the bridgedeck.

People, it’s the pedal on the RIGHT.

We’ve noticed a new trend. Once we finally cross the bridge deck in the morning, on our march to the Dark Side, there is a new plague causing unnecessary halting of traffic. See the brake lights? But there is no accident, no on ramp to note, no speed trap to speak of, but there is a rather inappropriate sense of resistance to continue the journey. While it is a normal, natural, healthy instinct to resist darkness, at this point you’ve already committed yourself to going to work. Sure, we’d all rather avoid the swirling vortex of evil that lies ahead, but you have got to anticipate the wave of nausea that greets you every morning. It’s the scent of all those Satan-spawned, ass-monkey, pig-fucker IT Dev Managers that infest the area. But, really, there’s no point in turning back now. So suck it up people. Foot on the gas! Some of us have to solve the world’s problems yet again today, and we’d like to get cracking on that first thing so we might, just maybe, get home before the bars are closed.

No one is safe from The Violater

 Simply put, we provide a public service. And the fact is, even if you are a colleague of mine, even someone I LIKE (a rare occurrence), you are not exempt from ridicule if you can’t adhere to some very simple guidelines.

I think we can all agree that there are several unspeakable violations that occur daily on the520 that wreak havoc on our commute. These include:

1. Stopping on the bridge deck

2. Unnecessarily driving slow because of sun, rain, snow, sleet, thunder, lightning

3. Merging onto the520 and SCREECHING to a halt for fear of crossing the line into the carpool lane (please, just keep it moving and merge before the final curve approaching the bridge deck, and you’ll be doing a great service in keeping the flow of traffic clipping along)

4. Talking on the phone while stuffing your face while smoking a cigarette while curling your lashes

5. Anything involving your laptop, PDA, or other Windows Mobile®–powered device

6. General merriment

And, while not nearly as heinous as stopping on the bridge deck, reading directions while supposedly “driving” is considered a significant violation. This unsuspecting coworker knows better, but is clearly violating the rules anyway. Blatant disregard. Unacceptable

 

Consider yourself warned, pal…

 

This ain’t Jiffy Lube.

We all know Seattle is feeling a bit over-crowded. Everybody is moving into monsterous condo buildings, giant apartment farms and some of you winners are shacking it up in tent city. We get it – you don’t have a garage. Frankly, we don’t even know how you got your hands on a car. How the hell did you convince Money Tree to loan you money for that thing? We can, however, assure you that stopping in the middle of the520 to have a smoke break and work on the car with your buddies – this just won’t do.  So, please, if you feel the need to pop the hood, light one up with your chums and chat about the latest Nascar stats, take it to right place: Aurora Avenue North.

Please die at home. Thank you.

Now, I realize we haven’t been around to keep you all in line with the rules of the 520, but let’s take this opportunity to remind ourselves of how to behave out there. In the event of an accident that involves you striking another object, don’t panic. And don’t stop. Not even if you’re hurt. That is unacceptable.

Do you see this ambulance and fire truck, on the bridgedeck, no less? There was NO damage to the car, and honestly, as mentioned, even if hurt you are not to stop in the middle of the damn road, you stupid bastard. Seriously people, in the event of injury, be it instant palsy or your immediate and untimely demise, you are to slumber forward and proceed across the bridge at the continued rate of speed. There will be no exceptions. Failure to comply will result in the immediate explosive destruction of you, your body and your car.

Your co-pilot

If you didn’t read my cohort’s post , and Dog is Still Your Co-pilot, might I introduce you to ours. It’s nice to see some like-minded individuals share the 520 with us. The rest of you can burn in my living room… errr… hell.

No dogs allowed.

 Did you think we left you? We didn’t. But we did discover that camera phones don’t take good pictures in the dark. Now the sun is coming back – yay! We’re ready to shake you all back in line. So everybody get your hands back on the wheel, foot on the gas and for Christ sake, leave the dog at home. Because this season I’m getting a battering ram installed in the front end of my car. So next time I see this fool in front of me, with a crazy yapping dog running rampant, I’m going to drive my bumper through his trunk just to hear the sound of the thud as little poochster’s ass meets the back of his head.

An epidemic among us.

Apparently, everyone who drives a red car suffers from anus primateous.

 Like this moron who eff’d up the commute for everyone this morning because he couldn’t take his Jeep to the shop when it started making that “funny noise” weeks ago.

 Or this brainiac who thinks his car will implode if he so much as approaches the speed limit. Note the 2 mile gap between him and the car in front of him. It’s a mini, it’s British, so mind the gap, pal.

You are all ass monkeys.

Using your library voice on the520

This is the sad, empty passenger seat. Carpool buddy on vacation. Damnitall to hell. The520 sucks just that much more ass when you add boredom to the equation. Hey, maybe I can read the newspaper while I drive, you know, like this idiot!

Don’t let us interrupt you buddy! Did you find something entertaining in the lifestyle section? Maybe trolling the classified ads for hot personals? Really, you’ll find much better stuff on craigslist. Oh, and we don’t mind that you’re in your car, behind the wheel, on a freeway, with moving cars and such. We’ll just wait for you to finish checking the moving listings so you can catch Beerfest this weekend. It looks like a real gem.